Abby Kate

Today marks the 14th anniversary of both the day Abby Kate entered and left this world.

It was exactly a month before I turned six.

This is how I remember it. My mom may have to correct a few things, but this is my story.

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I don't remember anything about Sarah being born. I only remember her being a super chunky baby.

I do remember when I found out that my mom was expecting another baby. I was finally old enough to understand and get excited about what was going on.

I remember clearly when the day came that my parents were going to find out what we were having. Emily was babysitting us, I think. 

I was playing in the front room when my parents got home, and I could tell they were very upset. My dad told me that I needed to go get Emily and Sam so that we could talk. Sarah was left upstairs to play, but the three of us older kids all sat on the front couch. My parents sat across from us, my dad on the left and my mom on the right. 

I don't remember my mom saying anything. I just remember her crying. I do remember my dad leaning forward with his elbows on his knees with his hands woven together under his chin. 

He said that the ultrasound showed that something was wrong with the baby and that she probably wasn't going to make it. They were going to go back to the hospital to find out for sure. 

I asked what we were having, and they told us that it was going to be a girl.

At that moment, I knew I wanted her name to be Kate. For some reason, I loved that name. 

As soon as they were done talking to us, I ran upstairs to Sarah. She was playing on the toy kitchen, and I knelt down next to her and told her that our sister was going to die. I remember crying, but only when I was alone or with Sarah. I hated people seeing me cry, so I always held it in. I pretended like it wasn't bothering me, almost like it was no big deal. I started crying as I told Sarah.

I cried myself to sleep for the next week and a half.

I remember asking my mom if there was any way that the baby would live, and my mom just shook her head. There was no way she would live.

We had family counsels to decide on the name, and I was very adamant that her name be Kate, and my parents wanted Abby. After a few nights of discussion, Sam brought up the name Abby Kate. It was decided then that was to be her name.

I remember my Grandma coming to babysit us while my parents were in the hospital having Abby. We had no idea how long she would live, so we all had to be ready to go at a moment's notice. 

The call finally came that she was almost here and to come straight to the hospital. On the way, Grandma's phone went off, and it was my dad. Abby was here and had already passed away. They didn't want us kids to see her body while we were so young. 

Grandma turned around and took us home. 

All of us sat on the front porch and watched the sunset. The clouds kept coming and going very quickly. Clay even said that he thought it was Abby's way of saying hello and that she was okay. 

There were a lot of tears that night.

Then, it came time for the funeral. I woke up the morning of the funeral to all of my family there. Someone had toilet papered us, too. Seriously? I remember all of my extended family in their church clothes out on ladders cleaning it up. 

My Aunt did my hair, and then we went outside to take pictures. All morning I fought back my tears. 

We went to the church and for the first time, I got to see her casket. It was so little!

Still, I didn't get to see Abby. 

I don't remember anything that was said at the service. I just remember sitting in the relief society room and fighting back tears harder than I have ever fought in my entire life. I just wanted to go somewhere alone and cry. 

I thought it was cool that we got to ride in a limo over to the cemetery, though. I got to hold her casket all the way to the cemetery.

My Aunt Elizabeth even led us in "I Am a Child of God".

I got to lay a white rose on her casket, too, which has now become a tradition every year on her birthday. A white rose from each of us kids with two red roses from my parents. 

Most of our family went home that day right after the services. 

I don't remember much beyond that, other than we visited her grave every day for months. I would oftentimes take up something and leave it at her grave, whether it was a flower or a ring of mine.

My baby sister was so special to me, and she still is. 

I will get to meet her one day, and I will get to see her grow up.

We are a forever family. 

Miss you, miss you, now we're gonna kiss you. Muah!

Love you forever, Abby Kate.