Grandma Margaret Jane

All my life, I have watched my Grandma Cannon deteriorate. In my head, she has always had Parkinson's disease. Her hands have always shaken, as well as her jaw shaken from left to right incessantly. At least, that's how I remember it.

In reality, my Grandma was diagnosed with Parkinson's 14 short years ago, when I was about 5 years old. She hasn't always shaken, nor has she always had Parkinson's. In fact, one of my fondest memories as a little girl was visiting my grandparents on their mission in Oregon when I was 3 or 4. I remember going to a parade, visiting the home they were staying in and going to the beach with them. I even remember the beach was incredibly windy, and the water was so cold! I still even remember the sandwich I had that was extra crunchy due to the sand the wind had blown into it.

Grandma wasn't actually diagnosed with Parkinson's until right after returning home from her mission in Oregon. That memory I have with her in Oregon is my last memory before her diagnosis.

When I think back and try to find other memories in my head about my Grandma, they include a few visits to Idaho to see us. I remember driving to Idaho Falls with my grandparents to visit my grandma's brother, going to the fair with them, or even getting babysat while my parents were out of town. Grandma would always bring us something, whether it was candy or a new toy. They were always the coolest toys, too! I remember her bringing the magic board that looked like a chalkboard, but you used a plastic stick to draw in rainbows. It was on all the commercials!

One time when Grandma and Grandpa babysat us, my parents made all of the meals for us to have while they were gone. The first night, we had lasagna. I was really young, and I wasn't the biggest fan of lasagna, and neither were my siblings. We didn't finish the entire pan of lasagna, so my grandparents informed us we would eat it until it was gone. We then had lasagna for breakfast, lunch, and dinner until my parents got back. Hahahahahahaha I couldn't handle it.

Grandma was always singing songs, and she new the state song of Idaho better than I ever did.

I even have fond memories of spending time at Grandma and Grandpa's house. I loved going to church with them. We would come home to a lasagna every time! Also, Grandma always had corn dogs in the freezer. She would whip them out and have them ready for us every time we were hungry! Not to mention the milk nickles (or whatever my Grandpa calls them! They are basically the ice cream popsicles!) they always had for dessert.

One Fourth of July in particular, my parents were at the Stadium of Fire, and I remember dipping strawberries in chocolate over the stove with Grandma. They were so good, and I am pretty sure that I had chocolate all over my face. We finished and cleaned all up, and she pulled out sparklers for us. She turned on her stove to light the sparklers. I watched her as she lit each one, and every time, she would ask if I wanted to light it. I was so scared of getting burned! But slowly, my grandma talked me into holding one. I hurried and ran outside to hold it out in their front yard while I looked over Provo. It was awesome. My first experience with any sort of fireworks at home.

I remember the first year my Grandma needed a wheelchair at the fair. That was the first sign that my Grandma was actually growing older. In my head, I was denying it. There's no way my Grandma could get older. She would stay with us forever.

I was lucky enough to grow up with all four of my grandparents, and I was incredibly close with all of them. Any thought of losing my grandparents was one that I never accepted. I didn't want to face it, and any time it was brought up, I shoved it out of my mind so fast that I didn't even have time to dwell on it. It just simply wasn't going to happen.

However, with time, we all grow older. It's a part of life. That also meant that my grandparents got older, too.

Slowly, my grandparent's visits to Idaho became rarer and eventually stopped altogether. Grandma just couldn't make the drive anymore.

Each year, my dad's family spends a week at the Weber, which is a family cabin that my grandpa shares with his siblings. That week is one of my favorite weeks of the year, and we have so many traditions there! One of the traditions we have is a night where my grandpa leads us in song. They are almost like girls camp songs, only I have never head these songs anywhere else but with my family. My grandpa, who doesn't ever show emotion, gets so excited and animated in the songs! I love watching his face light up when he gets to lead the songs.

I remember one year in particular, my grandpa started crying during the songs. This is the only time I can remember seeing my grandpa cry, ever. He proceeded to tell us this was probably the last year we would all be together at the Weber because it was probably the last year that Grandma would be able to come.

Once again, I didn't want to believe it. There was no way that something so big in my life would change. The Weber would be so different without Grandma there.

Sure enough, Grandma was put into an assisted living center shortly thereafter.

The visits to Provo then included spending time with Grandma in the assisted living center. As time progressed, Grandma lost weight, and eventually became a stick. She was so skinny! Her speech became slurred, and I couldn't understand her anymore. She deteriorated quite rapidly.

It became harder and harder to see her because I didn't want to remember my grandma this way. It was too painful for me to see her like that. There's no denying that was very selfish of me.

One thing that didn't change about Grandma was her humor. Despite everything else, she was always optimistic and made the mood very light. It is something that I could definitely do more in my life!

Two and a half years ago, when we sent my brother on his mission, we were sure that she wouldn't make it the two years. However, she beat all of the odds and made it the two years.

Shortly after Sam got home, though, we got a call that my Grandma wouldn't make it through the weekend. It was time to say goodbye. So, we did. My family came to Provo, and we all said our goodbyes. We got lots of photos with her to keep as memories. Thankfully, I lived in Provo, so I got to spend a lot of time with Grandma over that weekend. Once again, she beat the odds and made it. We got to have her a little longer {Not to mention, she is already a two-time breast cancer survivor}.

Emily, Joe, and I enjoyed the random visits to grandmas to watch "I Love Lucy" episodes with her, or to read a book with her. She always made us laugh!

However, through all of this, I have always seen my Grandpa by her side. Literally, my grandpa has not left her side AT ALL, except to sleep. He takes such good care of my grandma. He even knows all of the medications front and backward better than the nurses did. He is the most brilliant man I have ever met. Grandpa is so patient with Grandma! He is always with her, as well as cares for her more deeply than I have ever seen an elderly couple love each other. They are truly the perfect example of loving each other forever, no matter what. 

Every other Sunday, I have a family dinner at my Aunt Elizabeth's. We have the greatest conversation and delicious food that my aunt makes. I always look forward to those dinners, and more importantly, just spending time with my dad's side of the family. I love them all so incredibly much. I don't always say it, or show it, but I do love them with all my heart.

Anyways, three Sundays ago, I was at family dinner, when Aunt Elizabeth and Sterling pulled out a Ziploc bag filled with photos of Grandma that they had been scanning into the computer. I quietly observed as my grandpa pulled out each photo individually, carefully studied it, smiled, and put each photo back in their individual frames. He treated them like they were his most prized possession. It was the most tender thing I have ever seen my Grandpa do. Then, he slowly set up each photo in its frame all around him at the dinner table. He folded his arms, leaned back in his chair, and smiled. His face was all lit up, and he was truly so happy. Next, he went through each photo telling us the story behind each of them. There were photos of grandma as a little girl, a teenager, a college graduate, and ultimately, a photo of her in her wedding dress. He mentioned how beautiful his bride was with a smile that stretched from ear to ear.

Grandpa was so young in that moment. It was so cute to see the expressions on his face as he reminisced.

Then, he told us the story of how he knew he needed to marry Grandma. I know I will butcher the story, so I won't even try to retell it.

In that moment, I saw a Grandpa I had never seen before. I got to see through Grandpa's eyes and not just his actions how much he loved and cared about Grandma.

It wasn't until almost two weeks later that it hit me just how precious that site was to me. It really is something I will treasure forever.

I got to spend the following week with my Grandpa at his house because my cousins came here for a sports camp, and we all stayed there. Grandpa would be up just as early as I was, if not earlier, and then he didn't get home until around midnight. He would spend every waking minute with grandma.

At the end of that week, on June 27, 2014, I went with some of my friends to a cabin about two hours away. We had planned the trip for a whole week, and I was so excited to go! The day came to go, and I even talked one of my best friends and coworkers Aricka to come with me!

We packed everything up, and to the cabin we went! We got there, and it was so fun! We went to dinner at Cafe Rio, came back and hung out, took pictures, and then, we went outside to roast marshmallows. We had been outside for about a half hour before I had a distinct prompting to go inside and check my phone.

I went inside, grabbed my phone, and saw that I had a text from Emily, Sam, Joe, Sarah, and my mom, as well as a missed call and voicemail from my dad.

Ok, I never get texts or calls from my dad. It is such a treat when that happens! However, seeing that I also had a voicemail meant that it was something important. He had never left me a voicemail before. I only saw the text from my mom, and it said to call my dad ASAP. I then listened to the voicemail.

It started out with my dad taking a deep breath and saying, "Alice, I need you to call me as soon as you get this. It doesn't matter how late it is, I will be up all night. Please, call me. I love you, bye."

His voice was extremely heavy. I didn't even need to call my dad to know what it was about.

Either way, I needed to hear it from him.

I called him back, and he informed me that his mom had passed away about a half hour earlier.

My heart sank.

Deep down, I always knew it would happen, but another part of me thought it never would.

I immediately thought back to Grandpa sitting at that table looking at all the photos.

I started to cry. I didn't cry because Grandma was gone. In fact, Grandma wasn't in pain any longer. It really was so good for her!  However, I cried for Grandpa. His best friend was gone. I couldn't even fathom.

At this point, I was at the cabin with my friends. Everyone was still outside, and I called my sister Emily. We bawled together. I hate goodbyes so much. I hate facing the reality that things hurt. I hate it.

Aricka eventually came in and asked if everything was ok. I told her what had happened, and she hugged me while I cried. She will never know how much that meant to me. We then went back outside, and I didn't say the words out loud for more than 48 hours. It just wasn't real that Grandma was gone.

In fact, everyone had been telling ghost stories while I was inside, so when I came out, more than once someone said, "Oh good, you aren't dead!" It took every ounce of me to not cry and to force a smile as best I could on my face. I just thought, "Wow, if only they knew."

Sunday afternoon, we had our family dinner. I arrived a few minutes late, and my Grandpa wasn't there yet. We waited a while, and he still wasn't there, so we called him. He came and said something along the lines of, "I am so sorry. I lost track of time. I am not use to not having every minute of my day filled anymore."

It broke my heart.

Finally, Sunday night, I felt it was time to find the photos that had been too hard to look at for nearly 8 months. It was the photos we had all taken with Grandma when we thought she wouldn't make it.

I pulled them up, and as I was flipping through them, it became real. She was gone. I broke down, climbed into my bed, and cried myself to sleep.

This past week has been so hard. I don't like talking about it, in fact, I like to keep my emotions inside. I always do. When I am in pain, I become an extreme introvert. My poor coworkers had no idea what was going on, but I got pushed past my limits. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take another sarcastic joke or lack of precision on the tasks given to some. It was so easy for everyone to push my buttons, and I allowed my buttons to be pushed. The anticipation of the funeral services was just too hard for me. The week went by so slowly.

My family arrived Thursday, and it was so good to have them back! I loved spending time with them, and it really helped to be with them! We got to spend the 4th of July with the entire Cannon family, which hasn't happened for as long as I can remember. We had almost all of us in one spot! It was awesome!

Anyways, last night was the viewing. We got to see my Grandma's body for the first time. I wasn't quite sure how to prepare myself for it. I was sitting in a chair when they wheeled her out. I caught a glimpse of her, and I couldn't handle it. I hurried and looked away. It took a whole 30 minutes for me to prepare myself to finally look at her body.

I went over, and she actually looked a lot better than I expected. She had a lump on her neck, that I later learned was actually a tumor. Grandma had been diagnosed with cancer again, four months ago. I just hadn't known. Actually, most of us didn't know.

It breaks my heart to know that she was in so much pain, but I am ever so grateful for the example that Grandma was to me, and will continue to be forever.

Anyways, the services yesterday and today were beautiful. Grandma would not have had them any other way. I absolutely loved being with all of my family again and getting to see them. There are now more great-grandchildren than grandchildren!

It was really hard today, and it has been a really hard week, but the hardest part is over now. It will get easier with time. Time heals most everything.

Thankfully, because of the gospel, this goodbye isn't forever. It is only temporary because my family is forever.

Until I see you again, Grandma, I love you forever.

PS, That is me! The bald baby!